When it comes to sexual intimacy, many women are distrustful of men who they believe are out to take and give very little back. In many relationships sex is either just another “chore” like doing the dishes or laundry, or a bargaining chip to get him to do the dishes or laundry. Many men on the other hand see women as sexual objects of curiosity and treat them as such. Many are out there just to “get some” whenever and however they can, and withdraw if not physically, emotionally.
And if a sexual relationship is not sexually mind-blowing, the unsatisfied partner concludes that there must not be enough love in the relationship or that there is something seriously wrong with the other person. Similarly, if one partner’s sexual thoughts, needs and fantasies are substantially different, one or both people conclude that there must be something terribly wrong with the other — and/or the relationship. They typically do not question their own perceptions, expectations and motivations, instead, they just move on to the next relationship.
A continuing failure to find “sexual fulfillment” leads to a continuing search for new sexual partners and new sexual experiences. For some, even mediocre sex is enough reason to stay in a relationship that is otherwise unfulfilling in all other aspects.
This constant search for new sexual partners, new sexual experiences, new sexual techniques and new sexual gadgets in some ways has become a ritual obsession and addiction for some. This “horniness” model of sex is more of “sex out of emptiness” rather than “sex out of fullness”. It presumes that once we reach orgasm, we are “sexually fulfilled” and therefore can roll over and go to sleep.
Yes, we may be able to reach or bring another to multiple orgasmic heights by stimulating another’s genitals to exact technical specifications or using hi-tech gadgets. But while technique and for some sexual aids are an important part of lovemaking, jump-starting the body to reach orgasm while “bypassing” intimacy distracts us from what is really going on from the inside.
The only part of ourselves we may like or are willing to “expose” to another is the outer part (body). The inner part is a different story. We can’t bring ourselves to share it because it’s a theatre of jealousy, anger, long-simmering resentments, emotional wounds, memories of painful humiliations, confusions, fears of inadequacy and rejection, distrust, control and conflict, self-doubt, confusion and shame.
It is easy to simply fall into the habit of having physical sex while withholding the most vulnerable aspect of our Self (the inner Self) because when our inner Self is exposed we are most truly vulnerable. The brain, in an attempt to “protect us” will come up with all kinds of excuses, reasons and alternatives that steer us away from exposing our inner vulnerability. Because our brains interpret vulnerability only in negative terms, we have no reference as to how to skillfully deliberately and artfully surrender or loosen our habitual sexual restraints, anxieties, fears and shame.
When we do loosen up, we often do so juvenilely, rebelliously, blindly, recklessly and dangerously. If we get embarrassed or hurt in these times, it only reinforces our fear of sex and sexual intimacy.
True sexual intimacy is more about what’s inside of us than the kind of body we have, techniques we know or gadgets we use. It’s about being emotionally honest and intimate with our sexual Self, and having a healthy concept of, and relationship with our sexual Self.
To experience sexual intimacy, to really know sexual fulfillment we must accept and claim who we are; our own minds, our own bodies, our own emotions, our own life and our own sexual bed. We have to stop presenting ourselves the way we want to be seen, and disclose ourselves with no other goal than being truly “known” in a personal, meaningful and intimate way.
Quite often this means that we have to step away from almost everything we’ve ever been taught about sex and throw away the cookbook recipes and preconceived notions of what works: touch ear and keeping rubbing for four minutes, kiss the neck for two minutes, next run fingers in the small of the back for another two minutes, move to the left and lift leg exactly 90 degrees, count up to fourteen – and all that kind of calculating mechanical nonsense.
We must strive to discover what works for us as dynamic and versatile individuals and as a couple with hearts, emotions and ability to experience the unknown and unknowable. We have to be aware, open, trusting and free to follow the intuitive and spontaneous erotic impulses of our hearts and souls, not the garbage our brain or the so called “sex experts” come up with.
It is only by entering this door of inner vulnerability and helpless surrender that we are truly sexually intimate. Intimacy in itself is a self-reflective process rooted in the concept of surrender – surrender to the facets of ourselves that are more unruly, highly energized, spontaneous, unpredictable, uncertain and closer to the primal forces of nature. What we experience during these new openings and expansions is almost certain to surprise us. The intensity of our true erotic yearnings, feelings, desires, and impulses and the level of awareness of what we’re doing during the time we’re doing it become much more important and meaningful than all the tactile maneuvers, techniques and bedroom tricks.
In determining whether or not one we’re sexually fulfilled, sharing the most vulnerable, most helpless, most intimate part of our Self surpasses shouting “Oh my God” in mid-orgasm.
This is sexual intimacy out of fullness. It carries with it a wonderful feeling of finally “being known”; an intense, meaningful and elevating experience of a sexual connection with another being. But to get here, we must be fully aware and present in the moment. We cannot be worrying about whether or not we will have an orgasm because we are not fully participating in the experience; we are robbing ourselves and our partner of the beauty of sexual intimacy.
When deeply engrossed in the sexual act we become oblivious to extraneous noise, day-to-day reality fades, and our world ends at the edges of our bed. We keep going until our mind, emotions, soul and spirit, not just our body, is DONE!
When we are willing to validate ourselves — mind, emotions, body, soul and spirit — the bedroom becomes a place for the sexual Self to fully express itself and for the spirit Self to join in celebration of two minds, two bodies, two souls and two spirits. This is what is mostly known as sexual ecstasy or sexual trance.
At times like this, we do not need sexual techniques, sexual aids or even a sexy outfit because the wisdom of the soul and the generosity of the spirit are of a far higher quality.
In terms of sexual intimacy at profound intensity and ecstatic depth, most of us are still virgins. Maybe we’ve had sex or made love and have had multiple orgasms with one or more partners, but many of us have yet to “DO” somebody or allow ourselves to be “DONE” — mind, emotions, body, soul and spirit.